Stephanie (xwanderhome) wrote,
Stephanie
xwanderhome

Sad.

Sometimes I just get so upset with my mother. UGH. I love her and I want her to spend one lousy Thanksgiving with us instead of up in Citra (which she said she would do when she finally moved there) and every time I ask her to commit to one, ANY ONE, I'm laying a guilt trip on her. It's just so unfair. It genuinely upsets me because I want her present in my life- I can't afford to travel to see her very often, and it's just like no big deal to her. She never said she'd come down for Thanksgiving (she says she'll come every other holiday, just not this year). I'm not asking she come every year for Thanksgiving, or every holiday. I just want her to commit to being here for a specific holiday. My kids miss her. I miss her. She knows I'm struggling down here.

Her Mom passed away before she was born and so we didn't have Grandma at the holidays. She gets upset when I ask her to come down and tells me to stop guilting her and that she refuses to come for Thanksgiving and when I tell her how tough of a time it is for me and how badly I'm feeling about not being able to have a better Christmas for my kids, she just tells me how rough it was for her when we were kids. I understand that, I do. I appreciate all she did for us, and I know it must have been really tough on her- especially not having her Mom around. I just want her to appreciate THAT fact. How hard it was not having her Mom there on the holidays and how that's all I want- is my mom present on the holidays. Yes, she's still alive, but I miss her presence and I want it here on special days, because it's just not the same without her. So, I asked her, after she told me the things she had to do to make Christmas for us: "And if your Mom had still been alive and able to come and visit you, wouldn't you have wanted her to?" "Of course I would." "Then why is it so difficult to understand that that's all I want?"

I'm just really upset right now.
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